Time and a New Knee

Wow! Time got away me. What's that saying? Time flies when you are having fun? Yeah, right.

To update my blog readers, should there be any, my knee replacement surgery went according to plan with only one night at Hospital for Special Surgery. I was warned that it might be three nights because my Parkinson's disease might slow down or complicate my recovery. But I compensated for the PD by over-exercising for almost a month my legs and upper body to account for the weakness PD would attack with. So I was in decent shape (for someone 72) when I showed up at 5:30 AM for surgery at HSS on May 21. By the end of the next day, I was home. And no-one at HSS even mentioned Parkinson's because it didn't affect me at all. It is now four weeks since the surgery and after 2 weeks of home physical therapy three times a week, I am doing outpatient PT near my home in Forest Hills, NY. Comment from my physical therapist: You don't seem like you have Parkinson's at all, never mind having it for fifteen years. Believe me, I know I have Parkinson's. It affects every movement and every breath, but I continue to stay on top of this disease by exercising aggressively as much as I can. That, plus trying to get enough sleep and keeping up to date with my Parkinson's expert doctors and medications at Columbia University Hospital keeps me in a health condition that probably beats most 72 year-olds. It is certainly better than that a lot of younger people with truly scary health problems. And for this I am grateful.

Getting the knee replaced was a no brainer. It had gotten to the point that I was hindered with exercise and even just getting around. Not getting it done would have been giving up. I still have at least a couple of months of seriously hard work to recover my strength and agility, or get as much recovery as possible. But if you or someone you know is ever faced with a knee replacement decision, I would be happy to tell you whatever you want to know about my experience.

I'm looking forward to an active summer with family and friends that I have been missing. If you fall into that little group, I will see you soon!

Oh, I forgot to mention that having a passion for something is extremely important in anyone's world. It focuses your energy away from your health and provides reasons to connect with people. For me, it's photography. All this time devoted to a lousy knee has taken time from my photography. But it's still my passion. Here is proof. Don't be confused. It's a reflection in a puddle taken just before the surgery.

I will miss my knee. I don't plan to miss any exercise.

In order to continue telling like it is about having Parkinson's Disease, I have to update readers of this blog, if there are any, on something that I don't want to sound whiney about. It's not Parkinson's related but it affects my ability in the short term to fight PD. As you may recall, or maybe not, I manage PD by trying to keep my muscles in condition so that I can get them to respond when PD is telling them to ignore my commands. By forcing muscles and the nerve paths that send the commands to and from my brain and muscles to do what I tell them, I have built new paths and muscles. 

So far, it's working. The nerve paths and muscles must maintain their strength because I give them no choice. I exercise vigorously at least five days a week, but often seven days straight, for an average of 45 to 60 minutes, but often for 75 to 90 minutes. After 15 years of PD, I'm still able to do most activities expected of someone my age who has the benefit of their complete health. Without this program of mind over matter and never giving in, I would probably  be immobilized in front of a TV.

But my exercise is being threatened by a knee that is described as bone on bone. I tried to convince myself, and a couple of Hospital for Special Surgery doctors that it was just a partial tear of ligaments or some floating cartiledge. You know, no big deal. It turns out to be no such luck. 

So in 3 weeks I will enjoy the view overlooking the East River (which is not a river) for a couple of days and nights while the good doctors at HSS install a brand new shiney piece of metal and plastic and try to convince me that it is a knee. According to the docs, its long overdue. I blew it out playing football for a little engineering college in New England (WPI). So you do the math. That's 50 years of snow and water skiing, some long board surfing in California, some wind surfing in NJ, about 50 - 10K's a half marathon, a full marathon and hundreds of hours playing tennis, squash, racquet ball and golf. All of this on a knee with no cartilege and no ACL.

The old knee belongs in a museum and owes me nothing. I'll miss it just the same. I don't plan to miss any exercise. We'll see.

Cherry blossoms in Forest Hills, New York City.

Music, art, photography, gardens, family and friends

In today's NY Times there is an article by Oliver Sachs, the neurologist who wrote the book on which the movie Awakenings with Robbin Williams was based. Sacks died in 2015 but his work lives on, as do you and I. (I'm pretty sure that I'm still here. You?)

Musicophelia is another work by Sachs and which discusses how music affects people with Parkinson's disease. If you have Parkinson's disease, chances are you have grown a stronger appreciation and maybe even some skills in music, art,  writing or some other artistic pursuit. I've covered my experience with photography in this blog and I assure you this continues as an obsession that is now the heart of my daily existence. But I digress...

The  Times article describes Dr. Sachs' experience with his Parkinson's patients and their visits to gardens. Just taking a walk in a garden or garden environment has enabled Parkinson patients to overcome their symptoms while there. Music has had that affect on me at times. It's like the puzzle of my body is solved by the beat of the music. Coincidently, I live in a garden community that is more like a park than a New York City neighborhood, which it is. I love being outdoors this time of year. I'm going to test Dr. Sachs' findings. Could where you live affect how well you manage PD symptoms? 

Beyond the documented benefits explored by Dr. Sachs, I have an additional dimension that I continue to experience as having a positive affect on my life with this fucking disease. (Please allow me to express exactly how I feel.) And that is the affect some people have on my life. Family is part of it, but it goes beyond. And I am so very fortunate to have this benefit.

Photo  is a late morning fog lifting at Hudson Yards. 

Sleep as Though Your Life Depends on It. Because it does!

In my last blog, we noted lack of sleep as stress, and stress as a bad thing for anyone with or without Parkinson's. I did more reading about stress and its huge negative impact on our health. The book is Mind to Matter by Dawson Church. It is not easy reading because it is quite technical in its presentation. He wrote a second, short book that summarizes the findings reported in the main text if technical is not your thing. The main theme is the identification of electromagnetic waves, including those generated by our brains, as playing a major role in determining our health. (Stop yawning and keep reading.) There is a lot of documentation on how certain wavelengths that are associated with sleep are also effective as relieving stress that contributes to at least the symptoms and possibly even causes of all kinds of diseases including Alzheimer's, cancer and Parkinson's. Less stress, fewer and milder symptoms. Stress management is explained with specific programs in detail including EFT and Tapping. More about this stuff after I have more experience with it.

Deep sleep produces the best wavelengths to relieve stress. So if you want the easiest lazy man or woman program to resist PD, just find a way to sleep deeply and do it as often as you can. I'm not kidding. Do this as though your life depends on it. Because it does. In addition to EFT and Tapping, try CBD gummies and marijuana to relieve stress and promote deep sleep. This seems to be helping but I need more experience before endorsing it myself. Not that anyone gives a shit about what I endorse. But I don't believe everything I read, even when I write it. That may be because sometimes I write shit just to be funny that is hard to believe. But even taking that into account, you need to take sleep seriously. Seriously.

Say hi to my grandson, Nevan.

Sleep.

In continuing the last blog's train of thought, the next most important leg is getting the right amount of sleep. I don't know the medical reasons why sleep is so important, but there are doctors and other researchers who have spent their entire careers studying the science of sleep. (These people must be a riot at parties!) When it comes to sleep,nobody knows more than you and I do on what sleep or the lack thereof, means to a Parkinson's disease person. If I don't get enough sleep., I will not function. It's like the meds don't work. If I have a busy day planned, I know that it will not be a good day unless I get good sleep the night before.

This may also be true for people without PD, but I wouldn't know that now, would I? My guess is that Parkinson's amplifies the impact of a sleep deficit on a person. And its a matter of knowing your body and how it reacts to various stresses. Lack of sleep is a serious stress.

PD requires a certain amount of planning your schedule around sleep. I try to avoid multiple days on the go  by interspersing a day of rest at least every two or three days, or planning a shorter day for all the days on the go, like on vacation. I took the photo below the last time I visited Chicago. Can't wait to return soon.

Getting Your Tonsils Removed When You Need a Haircut

I'm back. I've been distracted by a gimpy knee which is getting better. I think. The knee doctor I visited did not want to listen to my evaluation. He was fixated on a knee replacement, but I think it is a partially torn LCL. Time may tell who is right. But I'm not doing a knee replacement unless I'm sure that's what is needed. That would be like having your tonsils removed because you need a haircut. Which leads into this blog topic.

There are four legs to most tables and chairs and to my program for resisting PD. In most tables and chairs, each leg is pretty much the same. In my program, the legs are very different. They consist of 1) Mental aka, frame of mind  2) Exercise 3) Medical (take your medicine) 4) Sleep (my favorite leg). Without using each leg, a person with PD will suffer more than they should and is gauranteed to lose the PD battle.  It's like a dog in a dog fight without any teeth. That dog will lose every fight.

The first and most important leg is the Mental aspect or the frame of mind. Parkinson's is a disease of the brain. The part of the brain that causes electrical impulses or messages from or to the brain does not work and the message system is shutting down. The same brain is still capable of helping itself fight back. But it takes an extraordinary amount of effort to get the brain to ignore its broken part and resist giving up. It requires an arrogant, in-your-face, chip on your shoulder approach to life. "Fuck everything. I'm not giving in."

Only with this frame of mind can one make use of the other three legs. Even a Parkinson's afflicted brain can produce powerful willpower to get up off that comfortable chair and get in some exercise to teach those weakened muscles to respond to new messages from new brain cells which we grow daily, whether we have PD or not. These new brain cells are there. Use them.

There are numerous medical studies going back more than 50 years and continuing today on the strength of the brain to use its untapped and poorly understood electrical energy to overcome illnesses. I'm not saying you can think your way to health, although some studies strongly imply that. But you can use your brain for a lot more than being a resting place for your hat.

I am reading Mind to Matter by Dawson Church. Somewhat technical but insightful to the power of the mind to create physical changes in our health.

A beach in the Hamptons...

It works for me

I know that I am winning my battle with Parkinson's when, in any given day, I forget that I have this annoying little fucker hanging around and trying to get my attention. That's where I have been for a few days now. If I forget that I have it, then how bad can it be? But I think that the reason I can do this is that I have something stronger, more compelling, that is distracting me a lot more than the disease is capable of doing. Try it. For this to work, the key is to find something to absorb your being, your reason to exist, and then let yourself get lost in it. I now have several things that absorb me to this extent. In case you haven't noticed, one of these is physical fitness. Some people might think that physical fitness for someone with PD is an oxymoron. I don't mind (what I mean is I don't give a shit). I am obsessed with my fitness with unreasonable goals that any sane person will realize are unattainable. I appreciate those family and friends who allow me the space to obsess. Thank you.

Another totally consuming endeavor is photography. I have spent a lot of time trying to explain how this has been a life-long obsession. Given the right conditions, I can actually become a camera lens with the only thing I am aware of is taking the perfect picture. Ask my wife whose phone calls have gotten me out of my camera lens trance while wandering around the city more than once.

I have other things I disappear into and I am always looking for new things in which to bury myself. I am working on a music project now with a couple of people that is consuming and fun. You don't have to have Parkinson's to use a distraction as a way to beat a disease. And it might not work for everyone. Hell, it might not work for anyone. But it works for me.

I shot this photo in lower Manhattan while wandering around totally absorbed with the amazing images surrounding me.

No more diversions. Let's get obsessed again.

I doubt anyone has noticed, but I have been scarce when it comes to this blog. To those that find this blog useful, I apologize and promise to do better, or at least try harder. I hate excuses. I'd rather not dwell in poor performance, but things got crazy with my health for a little while. So, just to summarize the craziness, about four weeks ago, I had surgery on my spinal cord to relieve a compression that was causing pain and some paralysis symptoms, some of which were identical to Parkinson's. Over a three or four week period, I want from walking as I normally do (with a tiny little unsteadiness (old age?) but with full control and no cane or assistance) to literally dragging myself around with a walker. So blogging became something I put aside until things settled in or I took other action. The other action was spinal surgery. The pain is now gone and I am walking without a cane or any other assistance. I still feel that my legs need more strength and my balance still sucks a little. But I am back exercising 60 to 90 minutes a day and gaining all my strength, and then some, back. I am obsessed with this.

With PD, I have found that muscle mass and tone deteriorate rapidly if you do not push those muscles with intense, strenuous exercise. I monitor my muscle appearance as part of my program. If my muscles start shrinking or losing tone or get flabby, I double down on the exercises needed to rebuild those muscles. Don't get me wrong. I am no muscle head body builder. But paying attention to muscular shape is really important. A side benefit is psychological: if you look good in a mirror, it is proof that PD is not winning the war against your body because your muscles can't look good without you feeling good. Those who know me understand this obsession with the body. And you don't have to have PD to get obsessed. There are worse things in life.

My spinal surgeon is amazed at my recovery from his surgery in such a short time.  . He said he would not order physical therapy for my recovery because it might hold me back from my own program, which he said was perfect for me. He said he would not be able to improve on what I am doing and that I know my body best from my description of how I have managed to beat back Parkinson's.

This year is my 15th anniversary of Parkinson's. I still do whatever the hell I want and never let PD stop me from what I want to do (except when I was crawling around with a walker. Ha!). My recent health episode proves once again, you can fight Parkinson's and reverse it's annoying symptoms, even when those symptoms are not even Parkinson's. Ha!

Photo is a Hudson River Lighthouse from my Hudson Valley Collection.

Lesson Learned

Read the last two blog entries so this one will make sense.

I am my own best doctor. Well, maybe not a licensed physician, but for sure the best option for my closest medical advisor... at least a key member of my medical team. I knew for years that whatever the doctors were prescribing for my neck pain did not work. Yet I deferred to the doctors' incompetent advice and did not insist on an MRI. I had the best information on the location, description, severity and initiators of the pain but allowed my doctors to impose their inaccurate diagnosis and followed their improper advice for pain management.

It never made sense to me. It still doesn't. The program that the doctors prescribed failed to work. They kept promising that it would. I knew it would not. I was right. They were wrong.

Lesson learned. Do not accept your doctor's diagnosis if you feel that it is wrong. Get a second or third opinion. Know your body; and the best way to get to know your body is to use it intensely. An exercise program accomplish this. Look at and feel your muscles. Test your strength. Observe your body. Know how it looks and feels. Take what you learn from this and use it. Because you are the most important member of your team, insist on doing what makes sense to you.

In my case, I underwent years of unnecessary pain and experienced several weeks I would not wish on anyone. (See my last two blogs.)

Yes. Lesson learned.

My life is back...

Through luck or divine intervention, I ended up at Hospital for Special Surgery in Dr. Todd Albert's office hoping that my pain in the neck was the source of my quasi-paralysis. Dr. Albert is chief of surgery and coincidentally, a former classmate of my wife's brother, also a doctor. There cannot be a more thorough screening of patients than that of HSS and Dr. Albert's staff must be the best of the best at HSS. That team zeroed in to my condition in one day and I was scheduled for spine surgery  two weeks from my first phone call to their office. Think of that response to something that had been undiagnosed by my other doctors for years.

The HSS surgery by Dr. Todd Albert repaired a "severe compression" of my spinal cord in my neck. That was three days ago and I am now free of those life-changing symptoms and quickly recovering from the knife. They say I have to take it slow for a couple of weeks. I did 60 minutes on my exercise bike this afternoon. It's pretty nice to have my life back. 

Nightmare in New York

Wow! So much has transpired since my last post just after it was decided that I would not yet benefit enough from deep brain surgery. Shortly after that, my body started acting bizarrely with sudden weakness and numbness in arms, legs and hands. Then it accelerated to partial paralysis, tingling sensation in my limbs and severe pain in my neck. And the last point gave me a clue that I hoped would be a clue to what was happening to me. I thought that my chronic neck pain was somehow related to the rest of my deterioration. That was my hope since the alternatives were probably not curable and the neck at least might be. I had been treating the neck pain with physical therapy and a epidural steroid shot at the advice of the doctors at a pain management doctor group. Very unfortunately, they failed to diagnose correctly which would have concluded that a severe compression of my spine in my neck was the source of the problem. All of this nightmare could have been avoided. They repeatedly told me that they could fix my neck pain with therapy despite the fact that I had tried therapy for over two years. Then again, they sell pain management services.

Next post will explain what happened next. 

More Deep Brain Stimulation Prep

So my daughter and I showed up at my doctors' offices ready to begin the process that would result in brain surgery known as deep brain stimulation (DBS). I was medicine free so that the docs would have a base line against which they would measure the degree of anticipated benefits of the DBS.

I believe that if there is a big difference between meds vs. no meds, the expectations for worthwhile benefits justify going through brain surgery notwithstanding the risks. What happened surprised everyone in the room,  that is, two doctors, a student intern, my daughter and me.

One of the doctors proceeded to administer physical movement and coordination. The test was first conducted without meds and the expectation was that symptoms would be evident and significant. The only problem was that I was able to perform the movements without much difficulty.

So when they did the same test with the aid of medicine about 45 minutes later, it was easier, but not that much different than without meds.

The test results implied that at this point in time, DBS would have insufficient benefits for me to undergo brain surgery. The doctors said that it may still be an option , but not for a while.

I attribute the test results without meds to my rigorous exercise program of an average of 60 to 90 minutes of intense exercise five or six days a week, with at least 30 minutes of light workout on any day when I don't exercise intensely.

The next installment will cover some things I learned from this experience.

Enjoy the photo of Hudson Yards at Midtown Manhattan.

The Road to Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS)

So I want to update my Deep Brain Stimulation experience. To keep this blog manageable, I will do several installments on the topic.

Let's go back a few months when I increased my exercise to about 90 minutes a day and lost about 20 pounds. This was over 10% of my weight and it made moving around easier because my muscles were stronger and the weight to move was lighter. But I started to experience dyskinesia, the involuntary excess movements. So my doctors and I thought more medicine was needed. When we did that, not only was there no improvement, it got a little worse. 

At that point, my doctors suggested Deep Brain Stimulation. I wasn't sure that was needed and my research seemed  to indicate that most DBS was being done on patients who had much worse symptoms. Nevertheless, given the strong recommendation of my doctors, I was ready to start down that road. So yesterday I had my first visit on that  road and which involved getting physically evaluated by the DBS team while my body had not had any meds for almost a full day. The last time that happened was before I started Parkinson's meds over 10 years ago. 

The next installment will explain what happened at that meeting. 

Yes. We both know it ism't easy. That is the point.

Today I got more feedback from people who know people with Parkinson's disease. People who care about people with PD and want them to get better or at least try. Yet, these Parkinson's afflicted people continue to lie in bed or wait for PD to take away a little more mobility, comfort and quality of life.

If only I could get in front of some of these dismayed souls I just might be able to convince one or two to try my approach and they could feel better almost immediately. I know this not just from my own success in reversing symptoms and maintaining my physique and strength. If you put in the work, you will feel better emotionally and physically. Guaranteed. There are studies that concur.

And if you can't even do that research, then just stare at the ceiling and feel worse tomorrow.

Guaranteed.

Advice for the meek of spirit. Amaze yourself.

Believe me when I tell you that Parkinson's Disease weighs upon one's spirit. It makes you want to curl-up in a ball and hide under your bed or sit in in your closet (and suck an egg), (If you are a Steve Martin fan, you know where that comes from. If not, forget it.)

Well...  Don't do it. Parkinson's is trying to trick you into thinking that you can no longer do things; that you can no longer enjoy being with people,; that you'd be embarrassed or fail at whatever you try to do (except hide under your bed or sit in a closet.)  Don't fall for it. PD plays with my head every morning, trying to make me think that I am not capable of doing what I had planned for that day before I went to bed the night before. I'm so used to this that I just ignore it. If I didn't ignore it, I would be letting PD win the battle and simply take over my life.

I know this fact for this reason. About six and a half years  ago, I was retired because I believed that because of PD, I could no longer commute from Forest Hills into Manhattan even though it is a 14 minute train ride. Then my friend, Joel H., who had put together sort of a joint venture to expand a boutique real estate firm into a national player, called. He got the New York owner, Jim W., to hire me to run the property management side of the business. My workload seemed very light with only 5 buildings to run. Previously,I had been responsible for 300 buildings with a property management staff of 700 for a big public company, so I thought I would run out of things to do by my first coffee break; provided I could get to the office and then to the five buildings. I had no confidence that I could muster the strength and endurance to do the job, but I find it hard not to accept a challenge. Nevertheless, I set my goal as making it to work for only  two weeks. I made it. Then two months. And I made that. Then two months became two years became 5 years. And then I was ready to start a new chapter of being a grandfather and a photographer. So I resigned and started anew. When I left the  company, we were managing 70 buildings in Manhattan. It was a busy five years.

This is the story. By putting myself in a situation when I had to perform, I was able to overcome the limitations that Parkinson's was trying to impose on me.  But due to my stubbornness, thick skin (or thick skull), I made it work for over five years.

So don't give in. Don't sit in your closet. Plan your day and then do it, no matter what.

You will be amazed.

This is one of my favorite photos of the Oculus at the New York World Trade Center. By the way, I still manage to travel into Manhattan without a problem.

Do you spell God as an upper-case word?

I will not be defined by Parkinson’s and I will never allow any disease to get in my way of living my life. I will say that as I get older, people have become more important to me than ideas, things, art, music and God. That is if there is such a thing as the idea known as god. I have been ambivalent over time about God.(  I’m not even sure if it is an upper-case word!) Being a young altar boy in a Massachusetts Parish that harbored a Catholic priest child molester will have that affect on some people. It has with me and, therefore, I reserve the right to be ambivalent. Yet I am told by at least 5 people that they remember me in their prayers and it means so much to me that I can’t explain.  I’m not sure what prayer does or how it works but I believe my life is  better because at least five people pray for me. (I hear you saying, “But you have Parkinson’s. How can you think your life is better? It’s better because I don’t have terminal cancer or Lou Gehrig’s disease.)

People. That is what has become such a cherished idea. I know that I love a growing population of friends, family and new acquaintances. I met a person who falls into that category over the weekend. After speaking with this  person, for some reason, she decided to tell me she would pray for me. If that person reads this, I just want to tell you again that I don’t take your prayers for granted. So, thank you for what you do and who you are.

I think realization of the temporary nature of life, and that no one is getting out of here alive, that causes me to enjoy people more than ever. Loving people is a lot more fun than loving money, for example. (If you also don’t love money, send me what you don’t need and I will get rid of it for you.)

This was another blog installment that ends up being on a topic I did not intend to cover when I started today. But it was worth expressing. I think a lot about a lot of people. 

The photo is of some people near the Oculus in New York City.

Let's Talk

After that, you need to start exercising  What? Did you think I didn’t know you haven’t yet started? I have my sources. They are those dedicated care givers, your doctors, your nurses and your physical therapists. I meet these people in the supermarket, at the drug store, on the street and at weddings. And they are talking about you and how you know you can and should exercise but for some no good reason, you don’t. Do you want to explain?

I would think that if you were given the option of feeling much better than you do, and all you had to do was fight through your fatigue, aches, stiffness and tremors for an hour a day so that you feel better for twenty-three other hours a day, you wouldn’t have to think too hard to start a program. It’s not my opinion. It’s a medical fact that exercise is the most effective therapy for reducing Parkinson’s symptoms.. There are cases where patients have gotten out of their wheelchairs and started walking again due to exercise. But, hey, if your approach works for you, you must have a different mindset.

I had intended to write about talking to others about what it’s like to have PD. But I got on my soapbox to preach about exercise again. Let me just add this thought. When I started talking about my having Parkinson’s I became much less self-conscious and more relaxed in public. By talking about my Parkinson’s I find more people who are thoughtful and accepting of my condition and who have made my life better by knowing them.

The photo is in the Catskills, upsate New York, from the top of Kaaterskill Falls. I was able to take this photo because I exercise everyday as physical therapy.

Deep Brain. The sequel?

My new doctors at Columbia University have wasted no time with approaching my Parkinson’s symptoms as aggressively as I have been fighting this disease for the last 14 years. I love my new doctors!!  

I refuse to sit around and give-in to that filthy piece of dog-shit disease. My doctors and psychologists have evaluated me mentally and physically and feel  I am an excellent candidate for deep brain stimulation. I know what you are thinking. The surgery must have low standards. So, what’s your point? You can’t get me down when it comes to fighting Parkinson’s. Screw it all. I am ready to take my fight to the next level. I think I will volunteer to allow a video team to document my entire experience in order to convince more people to grow a pair of balls and fight. The only persons to benefit from this will be those who want to get better, and I mean really want it; not just think about it.  Deep brain stimulation  involves drilling holes in the top of the head and the inserting of microscopic wire and electric transmitters into the center of the brain to transmit electric current to stimulate the brain into producing chemicals to help transmit more efficiently messages between parts of the brain and muscles. This treatment reduces symptoms instead of, or in conjunction with, drugs.  I could write on for chapters from what I have researched. If you want to learn more, Google Deep Brain Stimulation. (If you don’t want to learn more, you are probably already reading something else.) Nevertheless, you will have a lot of fun reading about this, no? Well, if you are still reading this blog, it says something about your taste in reading material (not sure what).

Don’t expect my Deep Brain Stimulation documentary to show at the Sundance Film Festival. Nevertheless,  auditions start next week.

Some of this is tongue in cheek; but I am seriously considering filming my entire deep brain experience to encourage others who might benefit.

My Rush Hour Revelation

Remember back when I wrote about my bad attitude? I still have it. I think. You noticed the hesitation? This is why. So I was heading to Grand Central by New York City subway to catch a Metro North train to travel upstate to visit my son. I needed a lot of camera equipment because he and I would be searching out some interesting venues to photo.  Altogether, my camera case on wheels weighed about 25 pounds. I also carried an overnight bag. And when I travel on public transportation, I use a cane just as a precaution in crowded stairways, platforms, etc. Getting knocked down is not only embarrassing; it can kill you. The only mistake I made was travelling at rush hour, which can also kill you.

My first hint was before I even entered the subway stairs near my house when a woman who was coming towards me with a crazed look had the option of waiting a split second to allow me to pass through a narrow sidewalk aisle or pushing forward, which required that she put her shoulder in my chest, drive like a fullback and attempt to push me out of her impatient way. Luckily, I anticipated her actions and braced for the impact. We collided hard. She bounced off my chest and simply continued on her way as though it was necessary and part of her routine to intentionally push into a man walking with a cane and heavy bags.

She was oblivious that she had caused another person to feel her intentional collision. Don’t get me wrong. I was not knocked off my feet or hurt in any way. But a polite word would have been what a civilized person would instinctively uttered. Then, as soon as the first rude woman continued on her oblivious way, a second woman, probably the friend of the first woman, repeated what her friend did.  A bystander saw what I experienced, winced in sympathy and shook his head. After the impact with the second woman, I stopped and turned around to confront the second rude woman about her intentionally shoving what appeared as an unstable man who was moving slower than these women thought was acceptable, but she had also scurried off on her rude way.

Over the course of the rest of my two-hour trip each way, I had to experience rush hour rudeness that I never realized was so prevalent. I guess you have to look and act feeble to experience. Two people actually kicked my cane to get it out of their way. I won’t bore you with more details, but rush hour apparently turns some New Yorkers into thugs. And, I’m afraid that based on my limited survey that day, violation is heavily skewed to the female population. This makes it impossible to fight back of course.

Back to my bad attitude. By the end of my return trip, I was prepared to meet anyone who tested me with a pushback at least three times as hard as anyone shoved into me, gender notwithstanding. Fortunately, being prepared to do something and doing something are distinctly separate actions. So despite my bad attitude, and my Parkinson’s, I chose to experience the rudeness of rush-hour as a spectator. At least for now. Deep down inside, I know that the two rude women are not typical New Yorkers, (They are probably French tourists.) and except during rush-hour, may not even be rude.

That may be another benefit of Parkinson’s. The ability for PD patients to see the world around us in a way others may not be able to.  We remember our pre-PD  world as interesting, enjoyable and full of people we admire and love. Along with a few rude people who snuck in.  And with Parkinson’s, the world is still interesting, enjoyable and filled with the same people. Only you appreciate everything more. Both the old life and the challenge of each new day.

The point is, don’t give in to Parkinson’s. Don’t let your health condition change who you are and the way you see the world.  Enjoy your life and the world and people around you. To live any other way means Parkinson’s has won the battle. 

Enjoy the photo of Kaaterskill Falls in upstate New York and visit NYUrbanimages.com and Instagram #LakeCharg .

My photography obsession and Parkinson's

I have been talking and writing about my absolute obsession with photography which started shortly after I exhibited Parkinson’s disease symptoms in late 2004. It took a few years before my doctors realized that it was just Parkinson’s disease and not ALS, a brain tumor or a spinal tumor. As unpleasant as Parkinson’s tends to be (actually, it sucks), it is not remotely like those other things. Shit, I get nervous just writing about them. (That’s why I’m not going to.) Compared to them, Parkinson’s is a walk in the  park. (Carefully though. A symptom of Parkinson’s is stubbing one’s toe and tripping.)  I think the Parkinson’s diagnosis came in 2008, after the obsession started. So I want to think and write about this photography obsession because in doing so, I hope to eventually prove or disprove (to myself. No one else cares.) it all stems from Parkinson ‘s. As of today, it is what I believe.

 What I want to explain is when I place my camera viewfinder to my eye, we become one. Can’t find any other words to describe what happens. We become one.  (“I am my camera” comes close though.)

When that happens, I can feel the image as well as see it. It makes me feel good, no matter what the image is. If I see and feel it in the viewfinder, it makes me feel good. With that, the image becomes an experience that I must share. I want others to share my experience, and I just assume others will want to do so. I realize that this sounds presumptuous or even arrogant. But I really appreciate it if you enjoy the image. I also realize that very few photographs are liked by everyone who sees them. Taste in photography is not universal.  So even if one of my photos does not grab you as an experience, I hope you can put up with my obsession and understand where it comes from. (I think.)

It’s okay if that isn’t possible, I can deal with it. There is a photo below. Be kind.

NYUrbanimages.com

John Poblocki